March of the Fathers

Something weird happens to you on the way to the OBGYN. You look at things in a different light. You still hate all the same idiots you hated and love all the food you loved but something changes. It's subtle and overwhelming at the same time. The rush of responsibility actually feels good. I've always felt I could be counted on for support, protection or a friendly ear. I can be loving, mean, affectionate, outgoing and disciplined in one afternoon. Perfect parental material. Then I see a movie like "March of the Penguins" by Luc Jacquet.

First of all, I have to say that I'd listen to Morgan Freeman read George Bush speeches. That's how much I love his voice. The journey of the father penguins could not have been more appropriately narrated by anyone else. There is something warm, sincere, and grandfatherly about Morgan Freeman. He lulls you into his warmth. His narration in Shawshank Redemption is one of the many reasons that film is on my top 10 list of all time.

As an expectant father these penguins put me (and us) to shame. If male humans had to go through what these penguins go through to breed we'd all be gay. Barbara Streisand would be voted President and Judy Garland would replace the Virgin Mary. Hell, if men had to go through what woman endure during pregnancy we'd all suddenly become fabulous.

I spent most of the film wandering "how in the hell do they know to do that?". It's an amazing instinct. I think I'll be OK at changing diapers (once someone shows me how to do it) and I think I'll leave the breast feeding to my wife, but I'll stick with what I know. I'll kill all the spiders, run to Home Depot, make sauce once a month, clean up the dog poo, and love the little creature that is going to waddle into our lives.

Guilty as charged

My good friend recently went blogging through his musical guilty pleasures so I figured it was my time to own up to my dirty little film secrets. I have to say that these movies are not nearly as embarassing as some of the things you might find on my iPod. I'm not sure there is a movie equivalent of Rick Springfield's "Love Somebody", White Lion's "Wait" or Donna Summer's "Last Dance". Hey they all can't be Wilco b-sides or Godfather II, right?

Here are a few in all their glory:

HEXED (1993)-Actually a very funny movie that reminded me a bit of "After Hours". A guy that is simply trying to get laid gets himself into all kinds of ridiculous trouble. The films most famous star is probably Norman Fell, which should give you all you need to know about its b-movie status. Any black comedy about murder that features a drinking and porno watching priest with a black eye is A-OK in my book. Y? Y? Y? Did they actually put this on DVD this year? The five of us that actually bought it really appreciated it.

WITCHBOARD (1986)-Before Tawny Kitaen was gracing the hood of David Coverdale's car she starred in this horrendously cheesy horror flick. Funny story, I actually bumped into Tawny at a record store in 1996 or so. Once I realized it was her I approached with the usual dopey "Aren't you Tawny Kitaen?". Of all the things I could've noticed her from, Whitesnake videos, the movie Bachelor Party, or America's Funniest People, I of course said "I loved Witchboard!". She gave me the odd "oh, that" look and said "thanks". The film is about Tawny becoming possessed by an axe murderer while using a Ouija board. No relation to when she actually dated a knife murderer....I mean, an eventual knife murderer.

TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE II (1986)-The original was pretty damn creepy but the sequel is hilarious. "Bubba's got a girlfriend" will stick in your head like a bad commerical jingle. Dennis Hopper was sooooooo high during the filming of the movie. Lot's of blood and guts but just as many laughs.

EVIL DEAD II (1987)-Like the Texas Chainsaw Massacre franchise, the sequel to the original took a much more silly and funny turn. The possessed hand scene which ends with Ash cutting his hand off and stating "who's laughing now?" is priceless. This is probably the funniest horror film in the history of.....well, funny horror movies.

THE LONGSHOT (1986)-OK, unless you've ever had the pleasure of having an addiction to betting on horses this film might not be for you. Then again, if you find Tim Conway and Harvey Korman irresistable maybe it is. It's actually a very funny movie with a very bad 10 minute lull where a drunk Tim Conway is trying to fix a toilet. Hard to believe this wasn't nominated for anything, eh?

FROM THE HIP (1987)-From the director who brought you "Porky's II" and "The Karate Dog" (along with "Porky's" and "A Christmas Story" to be fair) comes this courtroom comedy featuring the comic stylings of Judd Nelson. I remember working in a record/video store when this came out and when we'd play it on the monitors it would always get rented. It usually wouldn't make it 30 minutes before we had to pull it out of the machine. It breaks down like this, scenes in the courtroom are pretty damn funny and anything outside the courtroom is full of bad acting and stupid dialogue. Elizabeth Perkins might have turned in the worst acting performance pre-Keanu Reeves. On the plus side, the movie stars Porky's legend Pee-wee and he's still bitching about not getting laid.

HERO AT LARGE (1980)-I must've watched this movie on a rainy sentimental day because that's the feeling I get everytime I watch it. It stars John Ritter as an actor thrust into a real life superhero role. The costume is dumb, as is the premise, but nevertheless I'm a sucker for this film. I feel shame.

SUMMER SCHOOL (1987)-Mark Harmon, strike one.....Kirstie Alley, strike two.....but for some reason this film makes me laugh, over and over again. The best part of this teeny bopper flick are the two friends Chainsaw and Dave. They have several funny scenes and they steal the movie. There is just no justifying this one. I feel more shame.